


Love, Yang

by orphan_account



Category: RWBY
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on Love Simon, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Slow Burn, Yang's POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 12:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19318054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Based on pleasemakeitgayer's Love, Simon AU. This is the complementary Yang POV!__________If Yang doesn't tell someone soon, she's going to explode. She can't keep pretending everything's fine.She anonymously comes out on BeaconSecrets just to get it off her chest--but she doesn't expect a fellow student to reach out and say they're going through exactly the same thing.





	Love, Yang

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Love, Blake](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18910480) by [pleasemakeitgayer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasemakeitgayer/pseuds/pleasemakeitgayer). 



This was a terrible idea.

As her fingers hovered over her keyboard, Yang could hear an aloof, cold voice somewhere in the back of her mind telling her not to be so stupid and impulsive. Even though she hadn’t heard it out loud in years, it never lost its bite.

But how was this impulsive? She’d been thinking about posting on BeaconSecrets for months. The website was pretty vapid most of the time--full of anonymous crush confessions and venting posts about hated teachers--but right now it offered Yang a potential sanctuary, a void she could scream into without the fear of falling in headfirst.

Some days, it was all she could focus on. The thought would grow in amplitude, repeating itself over and over until a billion little pixies screaming _You’re gay! Gay gay gay!_ filled every corner of her mind. She was genuinely worried the words would tumble out of her mouth if someone talked to her at the wrong second. “Hey, Yang! Did you do the math homework?” “Nope, I’m a lesbian!” It was overwhelming. All-consuming. If she didn’t let it out somewhere, she just might combust.

She only needed five letters.

(Plus an apostrophe.)

_I’m g_

Yang paused.

Was that too vague? Would people take it as a mean joke? Would they assume she was a boy if she wasn’t specific?

It wasn’t like she was the only not-straight kid at school. There was that senior girl Cinder with the long dark hair who never wore the same designer dress twice. Nobody dared to even look at her, but that didn’t stop them from talking _(she’s a model, but she only got the gig because she went down on the photographer)._ Coco Adel, who could kill with just a glance over the top of her sunglasses, broke a lot of boys’ hearts when she came out. On top of her death ray glares, she knew three martial arts--and people still shouted things at her in the halls when they thought the crowd was moving too quickly for her to see them.

Then there was Scarlet David. He’d transferred to Vacuo less than a month after getting caught in the band room with a boy from the clarinet section. Until he left, he couldn’t even eat in the cafeteria without the formerly expelled Cardin Winchester’s goon squad throwing food or knocking his tray off the table. According to Scarlet’s Instagram account, he’d made some great friends at Vacuo, but he never seemed to smile as wide as he used to. Velvet Scarlatina had probably never said a nasty word about anyone in her life, but that didn’t stop people from treating her even worse than Scarlet. Those same jackasses would pull her hair and push her around. One day, Coco marched up to her in the lunchroom and asked her to be her date to prom _the next year_ (Yang wasn’t too familiar with the term, but she was fairly sure that counted as the high school version of U-Hauling). People didn’t really mess with Coco or Velvet in person after that, but there was still the occasional locker vandalism.

Yang wasn’t cold and frightening even when she wore fancy clothes. She couldn’t transfer schools; she had a little sister to watch out for. And she most certainly did not have a badass martial artist girlfriend who would defend her.

She wasn’t sure she wanted to be, do, or have any of those things, but she knew she was tired. It felt like there was a bomb strapped to her chest that could go off any second. Maybe it had already exploded, and now she was stuck trying to contain the blast with nothing but her own two hands, shrapnel slipping out between her fingers every time she let her hand linger on a friend’s shoulder or laughed too loudly at a pretty girl’s joke in class. She was tired of burning from the inside out every time she tore her gaze away from a particular pair of golden-amber eyes. Tired of crying herself to sleep and pretending that everything was fine the next morning.

With an uneven breath, she started typing again.

_I’m a lesb_

Nope!

Too real. Way, way too real.

Why was she doing this anyway? Finally writing out the words might relieve some of the tension in her shoulders, but would it untie the cinderblock dragging her feet down? Would she be able to breathe again instead of gasping for air in the brief moments where she didn’t feel like she was drowning in an endless, empty ocean?

For the hundredth time, she considered telling her family first instead of the internet. Ruby would probably smile and hug her and ask if she wanted extra pepperoni on her pizza. Her dad, though...

Well, Yang had no idea how he might respond. And the possibility that he might not jump straight to hugs and pizza was more frightening than the prospect of becoming the next big thing in her school’s capricious gossip cycle.

Even if she wasn’t ready to reveal her identity, she could at least write down how she was feeling right that moment. She owed that to herself.

_I feel stuck_

A start. Okay.

_because I don’t know what to write_

Honest. Accurate. Completely unhelpful.

It wasn’t all bad at school, was it? It wasn’t like she would be completely alone if she came out. She had Ruby. Nora. Ren. Pyrrha. The rest of the soccer team. Even if they weren’t in season, they still hung out. They had a reputation for being the closest team in the school for a good reason. That wouldn’t just go away because Yang wanted to ask a girl to prom, right?

As hard as she tried to focus on the better things, creeping worst case scenarios always came up swiftly behind. What if the team rejected her because they believed in stupid stereotypes about gay girls in locker rooms? What is Pyrrha sided with the team and stopped talking to her? What if _Ruby_  stopped talking to her? It was a vicious circle. Even if Yang was at the top one second, leading her teammates to victory and winning trophies for the school, she could easily be at the bottom the next, flattened under her own choices and fears. Still, it was impossible to keep this up for much longer.

She had to say something.

With a loud crack of her knuckles, she decided to just write what she was feeling, not to edit herself or consider what other people would want to hear. This was just for her.

_Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. It’s like I’m swimming with my friends way out in the ocean, but there’s this weight tied to my legs. None of them know. Above the water, everything looks fine, but_

This was starting to sound really, really dark. Sometimes she felt that way, too, but it wasn’t how she wanted to come out to the whole of BeaconSecrets. Maybe it could be both for her and for her intended audience.

She shook her head, hoping that it would rattle some of her courage loose.

_You know that myth where the guy has to hold up the whole sky by himself? Sometimes I feel that way, but like I’m not tall enough to reach all the way up. It’s like I have to keep this huge thing from collapsing, but I can’t ask for help. I could, I guess. That’s sort of why I’m here. I don’t think anyone can help me, really, but I need to know I’m not alone. The truth is, I’m a le_

Her fingers stopped, frozen, suspended quarter of an inch above the keyboard. Just a few more letters--

A knock at her door interrupted her.

True to habit, Ruby came right in without waiting for a response. “Yang, do you want extra pep--”

“Ruby!” Yang slammed her laptop shut. “What if I wasn’t wearing pants? I could have been naked in here.”

“Well, you aren't,” Ruby replied, plopping down on the edge of Yang’s bed.

“But I could have been.” Yang very stealthily tried to slide her laptop under her pillow, but Ruby caught on.

Ruby narrowed her eyes. “What were you doing?”

“Uh--”

“Were you buying my birthday present?!” She screeched.

“No,” Yang said too quickly, relieved that she hadn’t guessed something much more embarrassing like watching porn or, say, writing in to BeaconSecrets. “Definitely not.”

Ruby gasped. “You were! Lemme see, lemme see!” She lunged for the laptop, throwing herself across Yang’s lap.

“Seriously, you’re gonna ruin the surprise--”

“I don’t care!”

In the scuffle, a hand slapped Yang in the side of the head. She wasn’t entirely sure if it was her sister’s or her own. Either way, it gave Ruby the opening she needed to swipe the computer. As Yang gathered her bearings, she felt a weight leave the bed.

Ruby was already across the room sitting on the bright orange bean bag chair (when Yang had first seen it, she’d laughed so hard at the outlandish neon color that she absolutely had to buy it).

Alarm bells blared in Yang’s head. Ruby was opening the laptop.

 _Please be locked, please be locked, please be locked._ Yang heaved herself off the bed. “Give it back!”

“Yang, what is this?” Ruby asked, staring at the screen.

“It’s...it’s...”

“Is it a poem? I didn’t know you wrote poetry!” Ruby beamed.

Yang shoved her left hand into her pocket to keep it from shaking (an anxious tic she’d developed in eighth grade after a car sideswiped her bike while she was riding it). She rubbed the back of her neck and popped her hip out in a poor imitation of a casual stance. “I don’t. It’s, uh--it’s for English class. I know it kinda sucks.”

Ruby read over the words again. “I mean, it sounds kind of casual for a poem. Aren’t they usually like _prithee_ and _heretofore_ and _e’ertoforthwith_?”

“That’s definitely not a word.”

Yang tried to snatch the laptop, but Ruby moved it out of the way too quickly.

“Rubes.”

“Shh. Reading,” Ruby chided, scanning the short paragraph. “What’s the last part supposed to be? ‘I’m a le?’”

 _Think, Yang._ “Legionnaire,” she blurted out. “It’s from the perspective of a Roman soldier. A captain.” Were they even called captains? Probably not.

“Ohhhh, I get it! It’s about how you feel super responsible for the soccer team’s success because you and the other forwards have to score all the goals, but the pressure of leadership feels like too much sometimes. Symbolism,” Ruby said, nodding to herself. “That’s really deep, Yang.”

“Yes. Exactly. Super deep.”

“Does your teacher know you’re on the team? They might not get it otherwise. I’d love to read the whole thing when you’re done!” Ruby grinned excitedly.

“Sure,” Yang conceded, painting on a smile complementary to her sister’s. “Now get out of my room, nerd.” She hauled Ruby off of the beanbag and pushed her towards the door.

Ruby dug her heels into the carpet but failed to resist Yang’s strength. “Waiiiit! Pepperoni or no?”

“Pepper-no-ni,” Yang said absently. Sometimes puns were the only thing she could count on her brain to do reliably. Even if she was completely preoccupied with staring at some girl in the lunchroom or wondering just how soft raven-black hair would be between her fingers, she could always snap herself back to the present with some terrible joke.

“So...no pepperoni?”

“No, obviously I want pepperoni. I’m not eating your weird naked pizza. Although I would totally eat pizza naked,” Yang mused.

Ruby finally crossed the threshold into the hallway. “Okay, so you _do_ want--”

Yang shut the door.

Normally she would take the extra moment to confirm her pizza order with airtight confidence. However, that particular emotion was eluding her at the moment given the state of emergency her entire body was in. Even with the crisis averted, her nerves still felt like they’d been fried with a taser.

She took a few careful steps back towards the beanbag, watching her laptop as if it were a sleeping lion. With a patience (cowardice?) unfamiliar to her, she sat down on the beanbag and slowly opened the computer.

She silently thanked herself for having the foresight to type in a blank document instead of directly on the BeaconSecrets page. That would have been a dead giveaway.

Thanks to Ruby’s intrusion, Yang had no choice but to scrap what she had and start over. The whole carrying the weight of the sky thing felt a little pretentious, anyway. It also implied responsibility--and a certain amount of control--that Yang couldn’t claim in this scenario.

She decided to join the soccer team, but she didn’t choose Keira Knightley in _Bend It Like Beckham_ to be her first crush.

She made her feet stop the ball after a pass, but she had no say in the way her stomach flipped every time Blake Belladonna sat next to her at lunch.

Here, she had no control. And it was scary as hell.

Like a ride she’d never paid to board and couldn’t get off of.

_�Sometimes I feel as if I'm stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, soaring high. And the next I'm at rock bottom, having no energy to move. Over and over and over again, all day long. Because a lot of my life is great, truly. But no one knows that I’m a lesbian._

This time, the word rolled off her fingertips before her brain could censor her. She clicked the POST button and for a moment she was in free fall--then an error message popped up.

She needed a screen name.

The thought of attaching her identity to her confession in any way was more intimidating than one of Coco’s stares, but she had to connect an email address to the post. Maybe, just maybe, someone would reach out and say they supported her. That she wasn’t alone. That they understood.

When the doorbell rang with the promise of extra pepperoni, Yang decided to deal with it after dinner.

***

There’s a space just between sleep and wakefulness where anything is possible.

As Yang crawled into bed, she put her faith in that moment, that limbo, to give her the last boost of strength that she needed. She distilled her emotions into that persistent feeling--slow, agonizing combustion--and dulled it down, dousing the flames and suffocating the sparks until only a single glowing ember was left.

When she was here, she could be that Ember. And no one had to know.

_Posted at 11:15 PM_

***

Yang woke up to two emails. One was from her English teacher, a reminder to bring their hard copy books to class. No screens allowed.

The other was forwarded from her first private email account. She hadn’t used it since her days on Club Penguin, but it was the perfect thing to use to sign up for BeaconSecrets. No one would be able to trace it back to her. A preview line from ‘blackthebeast’ caught Yang’s eye: _I’m just like you, I have a secret..._

Maybe this was just another invitation to join the school’s nascent heavy metal club (almost everyone who posted on BeaconSecrets received one). Still, Yang was intrigued.

She opened the message.

**To: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**From: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**Subject: hey**

_Dear Ember,_

_I'm just like you, I have a secret. It feels like every day I'm holding my breath, waiting for the moment I get to exhale. To speak my truth. I don't really know why I'm hiding. I know my friends would be fine with it and my parents are as liberal as you can get. But, I don't know, there's always this little voice in the back of my mind whispering doubts and fears. Like I said, I'm just like you. And I've got a huge-ass secret._

_No one knows I'm bisexual._

_-Shroud_

In a paradox beyond coincidence, Yang felt the vice grip around her lungs loosen at the exact same moment that she forget how to breathe.

There was another person at school who understood, who had the same truth clawing its way up their throat. Someone else was out there playing hide-and-seek with the version of themselves they wanted to show to the world. Re-reading the message over and over, Yang felt like she wasn’t alone for the first time in years.

Now what the hell was she going to write back?

***

School felt too normal.

Ren brought coffee for everyone, Nora tackled Pyrrha in a deathly tight greeting hug, and Yang’s locker still jammed when she tried to open it too quickly.

Yang thought she would feel different--not worse or better, necessarily, but definitely different. Apparently, anonymously confessing that she liked girls didn’t pack the cathartic punch she’d expected.

Normal.

It was torture. Miraculously, Nora had more interest in dissecting every detail of Pyrrha’s hookup with Jaune in the locker room, but that didn’t stop everyone else from having an opinion on the other big BeaconSecrets post. Throughout classes, lunch, and practice, Yang was stuck overhearing a comprehensive range of guesses about who the ‘mystery lesbian’ might be. Someone even jokingly pointed a finger at Yang during math class.

Everyone laughed, so she did, too.

How ridiculous, they all thought. The popular jock? Not a chance. Her sister, maybe. According to one of Cardin’s friends, Pyrrha’s locker room adventure was so bad that it ‘turned her.’ _That’s not how it works,_ Yang wanted to shout, but then the laughter would simmer into confusion and bring questions that she wasn’t ready to answer.

Each time someone else’s name came up, Yang’s stomach churned. How could people talk about this kind of thing like it was all a joke, like it was purely for their entertainment? Were they this obnoxious every time something big happened? She’d never been the subject of school-wide gossip beyond sports-related talk, and the experience was all kinds of harrowing. Even with her name safely hidden, she felt like she was staring down at it all from a glass elevator a hundred floors up.

On top of everything, she had no idea how to reply to this Shroud person. Were they expecting a response? Maybe even hoping for one? What if being gay was the only thing they had in common? What if Yang poured her heart out and never heard back? That possibility was much too frightening.

She’d start with casual. Yang was good at that. As turbulent as her thoughts had been lately, she could still put on a lopsided grin and shake someone’s hand. Virtually. Casually.

**To: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**From: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: hey**

_A secret, huh? It's nice to know there's someone out there that has a similar secret. I don't want to sound blunt but am I the first person you've told? Making the post was the first time I told anyone, even though it was anonymous it was still pretty scary. When did you first realize that you were bisexual? I realized that I was a lesbian when I was about fourteen. I was at the pool with some friends and they couldn't stop ogling at the guys but I found myself staring at the girls. Kinda dorky, right?_

_-Ember_

As she hit the send button, a rock settled in the pit of her stomach and the questions started swirling again. What if they thought she was creepy for checking out girls at the pool? What if they screenshotted her email and posted it on BeaconSecrets just to mock her? Worst of all, what if they didn’t respond?

A most welcome distraction came in the form of Miss Goodwitch reprimanding someone during class. Yang looked up from her own screen to see Blake Belladonna staring at their teacher like a kid who’d been caught eating cookies in bed.

“Phone away, please,” Miss Goodwitch said sternly. Obliging, Blake slid it into her pocket.

Yang felt her own phone vibrate against her leg.

**To: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**From: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: hey**

_Dear Ember,_

_I'm really glad you responded, I was worried that I overstepped a boundary. But, yes. You are the first person I've told. As for when I realized I was bisexual? I think I always knew on a subconscious level. I just didn't want to admit it so I kept pressing my feelings down. It's only recently that I've realized that pressing my feelings down is only going to hurt me in the long run. I saw your post almost at a perfect time and well...here I am. I'm okay now._

_-Shroud_

Shroud was just as nervous about talking, but they weren’t running. And boy, did Yang understand how they were feeling.

For the second time that day, Yang felt like it was just a little easier to breathe. She indulged with a deep inhale. She thought about taking baby steps out onto a frozen lake, completely ignorant of how thick or thin the ice might be.

Her gaze drifted back to the girl who’d just been called out for using her phone during class. As long as she was indulging, Yang figured, she could entertain the possibility that Blake was a fast typer with a secret. Maybe she was projecting the slight crush she had on her friend, but it wasn’t totally implausible. Blake could be Shroud. Maybe. Hopefully?

In reality, Shroud was probably trapped in a terribly boring study hall, passing the time by writing to their new gay pen pal. Either way, Yang didn’t want to risk responding only to get caught with her phone out in Goodwitch’s class. She was one of those teachers who might read someone’s notes out loud, and Yang did not need her emails broadcast.

When Blake glanced back and caught her eye, Yang couldn’t help but smile back.

Around lunchtime, her hope got the better of her. She raided the secret stash of Oreos that she kept in her locker (mostly for Ruby) and grabbed an extra sleeve. They were Blake’s favorite, though she’d never readily admit to that fact. The only reason Yang knew at all was because she overheard a vehement argument between her and Sun over the last cookie at Ilia’s birthday party the year before. Why Yang had bothered holding onto that fact for so long was all too clear to her now.

Thanks to good luck and a bit of light shoving, Yang managed to snag a seat next to Blake in the cafeteria. Yang normally bounced between tables, chatting with all of her friends over the course of the lunch period, but today she had a mission.

It turned out to be Yang’s only respite from BeaconSecrets talk that day. They had a strict policy about discussing the website’s posts only after they’d all had a chance to read them. Ilia checked the site every night, so she must not have seen Yang’s--Ember’s--post yet.

While Ilia and Weiss embroiled themselves in a heated discussion over whether curly fries or waffle fries were superior, Yang took the chance to tap Blake on the shoulder. She held out the pack of Oreos that she’d carefully tucked into her backpack’s water bottle holder.

Blake’s rarely betrayed any strong emotion, but Yang clocked a quirk in her brow. “Oh, double-stuffed Oreos. My--”

“Favorite,” Yang finished, distantly aware that she was grinning like an absolute idiot. “I remember.”

Blake’s eyes glittered like opals, piercing without intruding and intense without any hardness. Yang forced herself look away to keep from staring. As her other senses slowly focused, she registered the argument happening across from her.

“I just think fries should be able to hold up against heavier condiments. Like guacamole,” Weiss argued. “Curly fries simply can’t handle the weight.”

“First of all, that’s a gross combination. More importantly, where are you finding guac in the caf and why aren’t you sharing?” Ilia countered.

Yang laughed loudly, that voice in the back of her head warning that she was being too intense again. Wasn’t she always?

(Something about the look on Blake’s face made Yang feel like she might be just enough.)

***

How much was too much to reveal to a total stranger who might not be a stranger at all? One misstep and Shroud might be able to figure out who she was...

Yang spent the rest of the day turning the question over in her mind. It was one thing to talk about their shared experience of being gay, but that didn’t offer much real estate. If Yang wanted this to continue, she was going to have to branch out sometime. She certainly wasn’t ready to reveal who she was, but at the very least, she could talk about herself a bit. Nothing too specific, but enough to keep the conversation going. Even though she’d just met Shroud--and possibly never actually spoken to them in real life--she wanted to keep talking to them. She couldn’t lose this so soon.

As soon as she got home from school, she lay down on the living room floor and typed out another email.

**To: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**From: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: hey**

_I'm really glad my post came at a good time even if I did feel like I was screaming into the void at the time. Like I said rock bottom. Somedays the only thing that keeps me going is that I just have the rest of junior year and then I'll be a senior and it's smooth sailing from there._

_-Ember_

There were hundreds of juniors in the school, so Yang wasn’t worried. Still, she jumped when she heard footsteps coming. Without even thinking, she locked her phone and threw it under the couch.

A moment later, her dad came around the corner.

“Uh, honey? Is there a reason you’re on the ground?” He asked, standing behind the couch with his hands on his hips.

“Sometimes, you just gotta lie on the floor,” she answered.

“You know, we have not one but three perfectly good chairs. Plus an entire couch that’s currently not in use,” Taiyang joked as he looked over at said couch.

Yang let her eyes flutter shut. “I’m fine, Dad. Thanks.”

She heard-- _felt_ \--the palpable silence settle between them.

“Why’s your phone under the couch?” He asked. He picked up her phone and circled the couch to sit. He held out the phone, but when Yang reached for it he pulled away. “Were you texting someone special?”

“Dad,” Yang said, half-faking her irritation.

Taiyang shifted on the couch, settling into the cushions. He was still hanging onto her phone. “I know I’ve never said this out loud, but if you want to start dating...”

“Nope, I’m good,” Yang cut in. “Can I have my phone back?”

“Now, I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better, but I promise I’m okay with it. I’d rather you have boys over here--”

“Dad!”

“--than go off sneaking around gods know where doing gods know what.”

Yang scowled. It was a rare expression for her, but her dad was bringing it out of her more and more often recently. “Is this your version of ‘the talk?’”

“Uhh...” Her dad rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit that Yang had picked up from him when she was little. It was the most obvious tell in the book, but she didn’t mind wearing her emotions on her sleeve. Most of the time.

“We’ll workshop it before you try talking to Ruby,” she teased, nudging his knee with her elbow.

He laughed. “Just be safe, kiddo. And between you and me, high school boys are a waste of time. Guys have no idea what they’re doing until college. No, wait. After college. In fact, guys have no idea what they’re doing until you’re in a committed, long-term relationship headed towards marriage.”

“Okay, Dad,” Yang said, rolling her eyes. He meant well. He was trying, at least. The least she could do was play along.

“Good,” he said, patting her shoulder firmly.

Yang held out her hand. “Phone?” As soon and it hit her palm, she felt it vibrate.

Her dad raised his eyebrows and flashed finger guns as he left the room. “I’ll give you some privacy.”

Yang could only describe her current emotion as oof.

Opening her email to find a new message from Shroud turned her mood around almost embarrassingly quickly.

**To: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**From: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: hey**

_So you're a junior, huh? Me too. I feel the same way, even if I have no idea what I'm going to study. Maybe something pertaining to English. Math is definitely not my strong suit. You know what they say: gays can't do math. Speaking of school, college seems so far away but I am definitely feeling the pressure._

_-Shroud_

Gays can’t do math. So her pen pal was funny. Definitely a plus.

Jokes were Yang’s forte, after all. If she was going to get to know this person better, humor was a good place to start.

**To: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**From: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: hey**

_You’re telling me that I can’t figure out integrals because I like girls? That makes so much sense. Every time I pick up a calculator, all I can think about is 80085. I have no idea what I’m going to study in college, so you’re already way ahead of me there._

_Hey, what kind of music do you like?_

_-Ember_

__________

_I tried spelling out 80085 on a calculator...I feel like I’ve been pranked by a seventh grader._

_As far as music goes, I like anything that’s interesting, I suppose. Hayley Kiyoko, obviously. If you’ve never heard of Coeur de Pirate, I recommend looking her up. My French is a little rusty, but she plays the piano beautifully in any language. I don’t know if it’s your style, but maybe you’ll like it._

_-Shroud_

__________

_If you don’t like Hayley Kiyoko, are you even gay?? Damn, that French pirate lady can really sing. Feel free to send my playlist recs anytime. Also, you speak French? That’s so cool! I used to be in Spanish, but I couldn’t fit it into my schedule this year. Instead I’m stuck with the Duolingo Owl and he does not like when I miss practicing. So if I mysteriously stop replying, know that he’s the prime suspect._

_What kind of TV shows do you like? I’m a little bit obsessed with the Great British Bake Off. Mary Berry is the coolest person alive._

_-Ember_

__________

_Whenever I listen to Coeur de Pirate, I feel like I’m standing still in that moment right after a thunderstorm when the clouds are silver and the sun is just coming out again. It’s incredible._

_I pretty much burn everything I try to cook, but I do love baking shows. This might be kind of nerdy, but have you watched the new She-Ra?_

_-Shroud_

__________

_I might be biased, but you could definitely be a writer if you wanted to. But you can’t cook?! Oh, man. Someone’s gonna have to teach you before you go to college. You really can’t live off ramen forever. I did it for a week at summer camp and now I genuinely can’t eat ramen ever again._

_I love She-Ra! My sister and I have watched every episode twice, except for Princess Prom which I’ve definitely watched like 800 times. Actually, I’ve been thinking about dressing up as She-Ra for Halloween. Maybe Adora since her costume’s easier to throw together. Nerdy is cool, Shroud. If anyone tells you otherwise, I’ll kick their ass._

_-Ember_

__________

_You’re very sweet, Ember, but please don’t beat anybody up for me._

_A dramatic sword fight for my honor will do just fine._

_-Shroud_

__________

_If I’m gonna be in a sword fight, I’m definitely wearing a corset._

_-Ember_

__________

_In that case, I’ll be sure to attend. To cheer you on, of course._

_-Shroud_

__________

Weeks flew by, but not even a day passed without Yang’s phone lighting up and sparking a glittery giddiness in her stomach. Her conversations with Shroud jumped around from music to school to light flirting. Shroud helped Yang with her English essay, and Yang returned the favor by walking through a physic problem set. Yang was careful not to be too bold, holding herself back from making dirty jokes and terrible puns that might simply fall out of her mouth in person. On one hand, she was happy to talk to Shroud so often, but she felt like she could never be completely honest over a digital platform.

Whenever she felt that little tug in her chest telling her to meet in person, she remembered what might happen. It was a worst case scenario, sure, but Yang was all too familiar with people walking out of her life when they got to know her. Some of them--her biological mother Raven, for instance--barely bothered with a meet-and-greet before taking off. Ruby’s mother Summer tried to stay for both of them, but as always circumstances had a way of turning suddenly, like a ferris wheel coming loose and rolling into the ocean.

Yang learned early on that sometimes love wasn’t enough to keep someone around. _She_ wasn’t enough.

What if Shroud took one look at her and decided to end it? What even was “it?” This was virtual, superficial. It couldn’t be real.

Against all reason, all experience, and all instinct, the little flame behind her ribs got a bit brighter each time she opened an email.

***

Even as Yang became more and more invested in her secret life as Ember, she made sure to maintain appearances at school. That meant throwing parties whenever the chance presented itself. Taiyang was taking Ruby on a trip to New York for her birthday, which meant that her house would be completely empty on Halloween--except for the dozens of people she planned to invite over, of course.

Tai could be a bit oblivious, but he wasn’t totally dense. He probably knew what she was planning, and considering their ‘talk’ a few weeks before Yang wondered if he was actually excited for her to host a house party _with boys._

Regardless, Yang decided to go forward with the Halloween bash. Her lunchtime announcement was met with nothing but unfiltered enthusiasm.

Nora jumped out of her seat and threw her arms into the air. “YEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Startled, Ren dropped his fork on his tray. “Nora?”

“Yes, Ren?” She looked down at him with deceptively innocent, wide eyes, a hand on her hip.

“Are you going to finish your tater tots?” He sighed.

Sun raised a hand. “How many people can I invite?”

“Do we have to bring snacks?” Weiss asked, crinkling her nose.

Ilia put a hand on Weiss’ shoulder reassuringly before chiming in. “It is a costume party, right?”

Yang couldn’t stop grinning if she tried. There was something about sponsoring a good time for her friends that made her heart swell, but the moment faltered when she saw Blake smiling down at her phone.

“Blake, you’re coming, right?”

She glanced up from her screen. “Hm? Of course. I’ll be there. Just inviting some people.”

“Cool,” Yang replied, trying to desperately to shake off whatever unpleasant feeling was settling in her stomach. Blake could bring whoever she wanted, obviously. Far be it from Yang to turn anyone away from the party of the semester--even if they did turn out to be, say, super cool and attractive and attending as Blake’s explicitly invited plus one.

Ugh. Green was not Yang’s color.

She forced herself to stop imagining the devastatingly handsome, appropriately broody guy Blake might have hanging from her arm. He’d probably be a musician. A bassist, definitely.

Why was Yang jealous, anyway? She could always ask Shroud to come. Then again, it might be a bit strange to meet for the first time at a party. Would Yang be using her pen pal just to make Blake jealous? Would Blake even care? How could Yang possibly be crushing on two people so hard at the same time? Why did she let this happen?

Yang’s head was spinning. There was too much to consider, so she left deciding whether to invite Shroud as a problem for future Yang to deal with.

When she got home from school, the first thing she did was check her email. By now, she expected to see a message, but she didn’t anticipate a new subject line. It had gone from a casual “hey” to the much more pointed “halloween.” Opening that message would no doubt lead to something that Yang wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with.

The second unread message in her inbox was marked as possible spam, but the address made Yang’s heart stop.

**ravenbranwen@me.com**

A birthday card with nothing written inside had arrived on August 17, two weeks after Yang’s birthday. That was the last time she’d heard from her mother. Before that, she’d unwrapped a pair of fingerless gloves on Christmas Eve. They were cool, but Yang refused to wear them. Why should she accept anything from the woman who made clear at every opportunity that she had no interest in being a mother?

When Yang read the subject line, she felt like a truck was plowing into her.

**Subject: Holiday Plans?**

She couldn’t stop herself from clicking on it.

**To: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**From: ravenbranwen@me.com**  
**Subject: Holiday Plans?**

_Yang_

_Join me in the city over winter break_

_18th-22nd_

_R_

_Sent from my iPhone. Please excuse any typos and brevity._

Yang turned the words over in her head.

_Please excuse any typos and brevity._

She wasn’t sure what was bringing her blood to a boil fastest: the single-letter sign-off, the demanding and presumptuous tone, or the fact that the automatic email was longer than the message itself.

_Please excuse any typos and brevity._

Raven didn’t even have Yang’s current email address.

Everything about it reminded Yang that she was doing just fine without a mother. She didn’t need Raven, and she most definitely didn’t need to go on vacation with her.

The single unread message in her inbox glared up at her from her phone screen.

**To: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**From: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**Subject: halloween**

_So...Halloween is in a week and my friend is throwing a party, maybe you've heard about it? Are you planning on going? Who are you dressing up as? I'm going to go as Catra. Maybe we can meet up?_

_-Shroud._

Yeah. Yang was definitely stuck at the bottom of the ferris wheel. Underwater. And everything was also on fire.

Of course Shroud wanted to meet up now. Part of Yang did, too, but thanks to Raven this had just become a very bad time to invite someone new into her life. It wasn’t fair to ask a complete stranger to listen to all of her baggage about her mother, and it definitely wasn’t cool to bring someone to a party with the marginal hope that someone else might notice.

**To: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**From: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: halloween**

_Sorry, Shroud. I'm not going to the party. I'm stuck with the wonderful job of handing out candy to screaming children. I hope you have a blast at the party._

_-Ember_

A few seconds after hitting send, Yang wished that she could take it back. Beyond hiding behind a screen name, she had never lied to Shroud, and she wasn’t going to start today just because Raven decided to crash back into her life.

**To: blackthebeast@gmail.com**  
**From: yellowbeauty@gmail.com**  
**Subject: re: halloween**

_I lied. I am going to the party and I am dressing up. I don't want to tell you who I'm going as because I don't want you to find out who I am. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me._

_-Ember_

Yang threw her phone across her room and faceplanted in a pillow after sending the second message. This time last week, her life had been relatively drama-free. Now she was barely hiding a huge secret about herself, juggling two crushes, and dealing with her mom. And planning a party.

The door creaked open.

“Yang?” Ruby’s voice.

“Yeah,” was all Yang could muster. She didn’t even bother to turn over.

Ruby stepped into the room, but she lingered by the door. “I heard a noise and I thought a bird flew into your window or something.”

“Nope. Just dropped my phone.”

Ruby searched the room. She retrieved the phone, running her thumb over the new crack across the screen. “Are you okay?”

Yang finally rolled over. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know,” Ruby started, refusing to meet Yang’s eye. “You dropped your phone sideways into the wall. And you’ve been kinda sad recently.”

For the first time in her life, Yang wished she didn’t have such an empathetic sibling. Clearly she needed to step it up if she was going to keep Ruby from figuring things out. Yang rose from her mattress slowly. “If I was sad, could I...” When she was close enough, she pounced and put her sister in a headlock. “Do this?!”

Ruby shrieked as she pulled on the arm around her neck.

Yang didn’t release the vice grip until she was confident that Ruby had forgotten the previous subject matter. Unfortunately, Yang’s luck really was at an all-time low.

“Yes, you could,” Ruby grumbled. “Dad’s worried, too.”

Yang shrugged. “He’s paranoid.”

“If you wanna talk about anything, you know you can talk to me, right? I mean, I know I’m younger than you, but I still get stuff.”

“Thanks, sis.”

Without warning, Ruby crashed into her and wrapped her in a bruising hug. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” Yang patted her sister’s head, noting that Ruby had grown an inch or two since the start of the year. “Now get out of my room.”

Ruby put on a pout but obliged.

Even with everything swirling in her brain, Yang felt a little less like she might explode. She could get through this--she had to.

***

**Author's Note:**

> hey, thanks for reading! 
> 
> working within someone else's structural framework is a fun challenge. writing this is kinda like solving a puzzle. a gay, mildly angsty, very fluffy puzzle.
> 
> come find me on tumblr @somnambule-plus!


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